Whal shall one do!!!

It's one year that a simple revelation of one's feelings taking a toll. standing at the juncture where anything might happen and i still want to take a chance..

some talks..silent sighs..and endless prayers..that was all i could do through out.. i gulped those words every time i felt it's finding its way out through the esophagus !

a seer blessing of few moments followed by this utter desire of holding him tight was hard to resist. What shall one do?

a fear of losing him, and a fear of not being with him at all leaves you with just no option. one keeps waiting for the right time while the right one runs away.

is it just hard to love anyone or rather find someone to love? what do you do when you love someone but don't know how to let him know? or you keep loving him and you just dnt care if he should know.

i guess that way it's a little hard, especially for people like us. my friends often said that I have always been giving in relationships. so, its always beautiful when you can do things with all your heart for the one you love,for the one you care. u just cant restrict your actions for the one you love.

i do not know if i will ever be able to do the same. Fear of denial and disappointment will be all the more devastating. i choose to live in uncertainty.

M besotted... SOS !!

A Strange Me .........

Sometimes I feel that I am so blessed. I can be sensitive to the heart ache and to a melting heart at the same time. I cry and and I smile at the same time. I live and I die at the same time.

Well I have always felt that I have so much to share, to give, to care for. I felt quite often that I've done my share of love but did it ever deter me from loving Him again? Well I am back to cherishing an ever lasting emotional hearty turmoil….indeed I am relishing it and this time i really dint choose it this way.

Strange but true....

Glory to the Budday Boy!!!!!!!

Christmas Eve - in full josh three pretty magi all set to wish the birthday boy at 12 in the morning. Ceremoniusly greeted by some thugs and we tip toed back home. Our father, who art in heaven taught us a lesson..

Christmas Morning - Bethel AG Church. Lovely song service,awesome messages and truths revealed and worship just not enough for the only one worthy.

Christmas is never about Christmas trees or even about Santa. thr are neither any Christmas trees in the Bible nor ever did Jesus hung around the trees.

We often say that it is the time when we all get together and rejoice the mood set in. and we forget one thing in all this glory that this it is the birthday of a baby boy. the God who came in the form of a baby just to die for our sins. a baby who was born not for his parents,not Christianity or to any releigion... but for u and me.. and is the only Living GOd. He is the only one who is risen three days after crucified and no one else on this earth can ever do or ever did.

did we atleast once wish "Happy Birthday Jesus"? rather we are busy wishing each other on christmas. Lets thank him for what he has made of us. we are not converted in Christ but we are transformed in Christ.

Try Him and he gives you in abundance......
Amen...

My First Christmas!!

i already recieved my first christmas gift,, yes may be the only gift.. thanks to the secret santa tradition still followed in almost all the organizations...

Charlie perfume, a photo frame, and Jesus statue. Jesus is the reason for this season and lets not forget that. He has died for our sins and whatever we are today is coz of the Man.
sometimes it feels that most of us have forgotten the essence of what we celebrate. it has become human centric instead of being ocassion centric. indeed a sad plight.....

but it's good to see that all of us irrespective of where we belong, we do not want to miss out on this chance of lending a tight hug and warm smiles...

well frineds coming home tonight. yes my home...finally i can call it a house no more.....

Merry Christmas!!!!

Home Coming.....................

Last week in Bangalore befor i come back again for Christmas...as the month began i was happy by the thought of getting to spend my performance bonus amount in Mumbai with family, but greed can even take us to the extent of killing someone... i prefer to call that a retention bonus...

well shopped for jiju..sis...myself mostly...and took up this new house and will live a life i always dreamt of. to begin with have to get some lovely beautiful curtains,,some nice cushions to place my ass,,one nice lamp shade..a music system for sure..lot of incents...and lovely flowers every alternate day for my delight...

it's been actually a long time that i felt like i came home.. their needs to be a proper home-coming to always keep coming back home.. their needs to be an urge and the right place to set your heart right to avoid late nights or any unwanted night out. well i must have spent thousands spending nights at Swag/pu's place. have i been an unwanted guest as well?
well frankly i really din't care. i just chose it that way..i din't want to be lonely... well now i chose to be alone and not lonely...

i do not know for how long my plan will materialise.. but i guess we all should do what we want from our lives.. and leave everything upto HIM.. and live this life and leave nothing unturned.. i mean thrz so much to do and so little time.. work..studies..more work..love people..love all..music..books...loads of laughter...tears..friends...that's all? no....movies...places...love..relationships..so much more to life....

i just dnt wanna get married coz m 25/26....i wanna be married coz i owuld want to be married..coz i would love him..and coz i would love to be loved....

looking forward to be in mumbai..the devastated city now.....see you at Francis Aurthur's...

Winter...........

can you believe that we have reached the end of this year?

i mean it was just that day that i celebrated "new year eve" in Coorg! Man, this year was a blessing...and i guess i may have broken all my resolutions in the beginning of the year itself but keeping up to my words till the year ends... all's well that ends well....

i miss winter..i miss wearing all tattered clothes inside my jumpers.. i miss not taking bath... but inspite of all this ,,that little hope of being gifted by the Santa in Christmas still prevails...

my sis always said as i grew up that Santa would get me gifts if i was a good child.. and i tried being the best child in town.. i remeber that christmas had always been the time when the entire family...(dada..didi..boudi..bonjhi,jamaibabu,,pishi,,prochur lok jon) end up going to alipore zoo and have a grand picnic... we were like any other middle class families littering everywhere and look at each other instead of looking at the animals in thr...

i remember ma taking me to Bansdroni church and getting me a nice chocolate cake in the evening..

i remember bying blue sweater for school..new year begins in school wearing the new sweater and baba bargaining to the extent of not paying anything at all....

i remember my last christmas in Kolkata...park street in all its glory..lights...all the dazzle...the glitter...never ending que in front of Peking, Aster,Petercat and then ending up in Aminia.... getting tipsy in Trincas and cathcing the yellow taxi back home.....

i miss it all...a city which has given so much and still strives to give something...

this will be my first christmas in real sense of the term..its December...its end of the year...new year with many more resolutions...... something new and some happy tears....

When eyes met...

Saturday..

the day was pretty exciting the way infact it ended. went to the station to book the tickets and actually could not do so. "Government"-Server was down and so am I.. i very well visualised how my entire day is going to run from the way it started.

flipping through the free-ads, almost my bottom crossing the boundary line of the scooty, devouring the exotic stone studded idlies pretty much had made my day.. house hunting has kept haunting me always since the time i stepped into this garden city..

finally as the dusk broke..i found myself a nice dwelling..yes i have to make some adjustments..everything good , or even bad in some cases-- comes with a price..

i thought i rather pamper myself now with a nice hair-do that i got a call from my beloved"-s to visit them in a mall asap. well lovely clothes in my wardrobe now--thank you thank you..

now comes the exciting part....at the mall in mg..i caught a glance of this somewhat elderly looking gentleman.. disheveled looks.. tangled beard.. and sharing the same taste of my glasses.. well he was around for quite sometime.. all his gazes at me.. to be honest it was kinda interesting and yes i was enjoying it. we came out of the mall and my eyes kept searching for him but alas.....

i was crossing the road and he was right behind..damn these terrorists that my heart asked"what if he is one?" i almost trembled and i stopped to let him pass..

he turned around to check and our eyes met the last...he was hit by the bus...

guess he is fine...

the candle burns low and i must stop...

will i see him again? only HE knows and not mine,, but HIS will be done.....Amen...

Series of fortunate events

Just on the verge of severe political unrest, series of blasts, terror stricken nation - my week was actually bestowed with a lot of unexpected incidents - all forunate.

The week began with my first ever performance bonus. I better should take this chance and give a testimony. Few days back, on my way to work i was found cribbing about recognition,salary,finance and a lot other things. The list never exhausts even to the extent of cribbing about my hair style, "Kakka-cloured jeans- rightly said by my friend", obesity and eccetra.. eccetra.. I realised that we actually cannot serve two kingdoms.. Verses from Bible brought in a lot of realisations and commitments. the following week brought in several surprises in its fold.
And it was my birthday......i am "gladly" and "not so gladly" 24 years young.
In bulleted points it follows -
-- Performance bonus actually double the amount than expected.
-- Resolutions to finance.
-- A lovely birthday cheque from work.
-- A so called un-expected B'day surprise...finally...
-- A chocolate facial adding to the never diminishing glow on my face.
-- I can say I am stable.
-- Satisfaction to my self obsessed self..a lovely tshirt with the my pictures printed on it.
--Food...food...food....food...food.....
-- Respite from my kakka-coloured jeans..(wink)
-- Never ending happiness.
Thank God................
i am going to meet my family after long.. i look at my life now with a different perspective..so much to share..u be faithful and you see that you become His miracle...

C ya..

Only Time............................Enya

Who can say where the road goes…
Where the day flows….

Only time!

Who can say if your love goes..
As your heart chose…

Only Time!

Who can say why your heart sighs…
And love flies…

Only time!

Who can say why your heart cries..
When the love lies…

Only Time!

Who knows …?

Only Time!

BORN AGAIN......

I am sure after you guys finish reading this article you might raise your eyebrows, frown, or smile. But yes, this is the decision that I have taken. I should have taken it before. But it is never too late to submit to His will.

Yes, I don't mean this post to be a holy one, but this the story of my life since I was in 2nd year of college. Like any other student of my age I was into everything that was termed as a series of adventures then Loved calling ourselves Ulysses, seeking all the time and the search never ended. I was introduced to Him almost four years back.

I caught a glimpse of Him in my life and faced a hundreds of rejections on the other hand. I gave up, prioritizing everything else but Him. Along with it came many more hard core experiences and I fought it all. This could have been avoided. But it is always about the choices we make.

Finally the year of 2008 brought in a lot of hope and promises and self control. And Submission.

Starting with the confirmation at work in 3 months which was due in 6 months, a hike, a nice house to settle down, house advance from a school friend I was not even in touch with for 7 years, monetary needs being taken care of, getting rid of all the unwanted habits, etc, etc, etc, the list is endless.

I felt the power of prayers. I fasted for my friends and my prayers have come true. You ask for little, and He gives you so much. On top of everything you know that your life is in safe hands.

Everytime i had turned my back on Him, i only came back as a much stronger person in faith. He just waits for your call and just takes care of all your needs. He has always proved how mighty He is through the weakest. I had been brought up in a Hindu family, and i never had any personal attachments towards it. I guess i was lucky.. i would have had to regret my life if i had not known Him!

I am back to Him once again. And I want to work for the purpose he has set for me.. I guess only then I will make it big in life…

To HIM we belong....

Hola...never ending list of desires

Books, movies, soaps, all together made up my week. The regular phone calls from one's secret admirers, though not secret anymore, kept adding onto the list and one is left with nothing but a long pending sigh.

Often I am left pregnant with my never ending ideas of how to make my living even more exciting and not to miss 'W-O-R-T-H-W-H-I-L-E". The very thought of it is scary since it leaves amidst lot of confusions. And I tend to take recourse to my favorite Grey's Anatomy.

Well, this time it came up with a strange desire. A desire though not too late enough to fulfill. But I guess I have lost that tenacity, the zeal that got me my degree with little tinge of all the sitting and flying colours possible.
They say – failure is the pillar of success. A tag line I will teach my followers one day.

I figured out what are my desires that I do not at all stand a chance to fulfill.

ü Becoming a doctor
ü Becoming a space technologist
ü Physiotherapist to Michael Jackson
ü A dentist after I lost my front tooth. (the dentist I went to, out of his generosity had nicely leaned his arm against my chest, for his comfort of course. Guys, it's not funny. Attention Please!!! I was physically abused. I decided either I be a dentist and give him competition or may be take his jaws out) I still wish I could do it.
ü Wanted to be a news reader
ü Wanted to score highest in Maths. Well I never passed. Or somehow I could manage till 10th. Didn't even try in +2.
ü Wanted to look better than one of my friends, who is actually a bomb.
ü A little cleanliness freak.
ü A little less lazy in taking bath. I can't bear the cost of deo sprays and perfume any longer.
ü Wish could shave off my head once again. I enjoyed the period when I looked like a terrible version of Meg Ryan.

ü Wish I was a guy.
ü I desire Rahul Bose. Lolzzzzz……..
ü I wish…simply wish..just wish. I was a little TALLER
ü I guess a little luck would just help.. I wish for LUCK

Desires I want to work for and may be fulfilled

ü Finish a lot of books in my list
ü A complete make over by Oprah Winfrey
ü Get myself a nice place to stay and decorate it just the way I always wanted.
ü I want to be involved in social service. full time.. do things for children or the ones who need us.

ü I want to sing on stage.
ü I wish to learn guitar.
ü I wish to learn French.
ü I want to adopt a child.
ü I will own a nice music system very soon.
ü I want o travel even more….
ü I want an SLR camera and master the art of photography.
ü I want to buy lots of things for Puchki...My rival..My life..My darling…
ü A job which will pay me a little more
ü
Go for higher studies in real good institute.
ü People should change their notion about me one day and I want all of them to be proud of me.
ü Him…( I don't want this to move to the first list)

So much to do…and so little time…and I guess whatever we do till the time we walk on this face is what makes our life significant…

Epitome of a true life and if not many but at least one should say "She lived life king size."

Now at work,,so have to finish the work first.. so i draw the lines here..

dawn to dust........

The watch struck 8-15 and my phone display blinked. I never knew what was awaiting me on the other side. I rushed to my friend's house and not to my surprise, found her holding onto her mother and crying. Aunty passed away on her way back from her regular dialyses.

I re-lived the pain of forced separation from one's mother. Whole night I had fixed my eyes on her while she was laying there cold and unmoved. Quite sometimes I felt I saw her moving her eyelids and I stared back almost dozing off. For quite sometimes I felt I saw her making little movements and positioning her limbs to her comfort. I dozed off.

I am sure my friend must have wished for one miracle that could change it all. I wished the same.

One night, and came along a hundred realizations in its fold. What are we all running for? We miss out on so many things in pursuit of the so-called happiness. We might earn in six – seven figures, but yet so alone. We miss out on one chance to say it all to the one whom we don't want to lose.

It has always been too hard to ask for forgiveness. Ain't it too late to say "Mom, I am sorry"?

Well, I felt I should go back to Calcutta and be with with my ailing Dad, but I guess I am too selfish and may be still waiting for the last straw. He is running strong and full of life every time I hear him speak to me and I thank God a million times for this.

Thursday evening at the CSI cemetery. I saw my friend sitting by her mother's mausoleum casting her last glances on her. She removed the dust from her face, moved her fingertips tenderly feeling her for the last time.

Dusk rolled in……and a life returned to the dust!!

Part of me....

Drained and sapped,
The daily chores,
Voices unheard,
Voices untouched,
As it comes flickering on my naked display.

A pained heart,
For a painted picture,
A little hope,
Still hopes for a better tomorrow.

Amidst the daily mirrors.....

Untitled.............

Reclined dreams in the darkness of the night,
I ponder..
That picture of your's
Still gives me shivers….
For quite sometime..
Took me to just a stupid muse…

A picture—infront of my eyes..
Always….
Only when I close my eyes....

A moment, so pure
Feeling you while you sleep
Not aware, hidden emotions
Expressed secretly
The tender movements of the finger tip…

Its 3am…m lying beside you
What you're gonna do??
Tell a story. Tell a lie..
Or the truth…

Tear an eyelash..
Make a wish…
Fly away your dreams…

Endless Pit to Darkness....

"Death"..i call it a mystery..
A fear of the dark..
Obliterating the agony..
A call to hark!

Know what you are..
Your perspicacity..
Are you transparent?

Deplorable thoughts..
Reaching to the end..
"Die Man"- i say
'coz i am your only friend..

The Rolling Stone….

As we grow up, life offers us a lot of lessons, some offered in golden platter and some not even worth talking about. I never regretted any of my decisions and I guess that is what which keeps me going on.

Born in a family where the list predominantly consisted of the don't-s than do-s. And I have made the most of it. Being the youngest I broke the tradition of being pampered the most in the family and worth mentioning that I never fell short of the guardian angels at home. Yes, I am sarcastic as the tone may not be well expressive. Friend always an integral part of my life, but now the friend-concept comes with a little difference.


Well to start with, my friend list never seemed to end. And I guess I should have been rewarded by BSNL for being their most highly paid customers. I often wondered what must have the reason for me to seek out so much. Companionship!


Once I'm back home from school, I needed a friend and not a guardian. I am not here to blame and they all did what they thought was the best for me. But somewhere I have always felt that I have missed someone through out.


My first love is no more first. The love now has become the last already and I just started the journey of my life; I do not know where I went wrong. I still say that I do not regret.


I love life. I enjoy life in its full swing. I want to breathe without an inhaler. I love love. And I want to be loved.

When Memories Remain!!!

I still remember the last day we met which began with the much awaited warm hug. I walked along holding his hand. Kissed him tenderly in the front seat at the theatre while watching the Indianised Lolita. An argument-with-an-itch followed as tears rolled down. He does not get sparks any more. I am just the same. I kept walking and I felt he must be right behind.

I turned around only to see a thousand unknown faces.

I came back and wrote these two lines "I guess it is over, I guess this was the last".

We drifted and the sigh is all that remains...

Ramchand Pakistani.......

A Pakistani Hindu boy Ramchand, and his father accidentally cross the border and is taken into prison for several years in India. Mother (Nandits Das) not knowing what has happened to the men in the family, spends more than 4 years with the hope of seeing them back again.
The story belongs to the time when India-Pakistan situation was no better and the life of the untouchables set at the border.
Based on true incidents and the emotional turmoil that Ramchand goes through has been captured well. Innocent Ramchand grows in a multi-cultural environment in the jail and how he copes with the taruma of his forced seperation from his mother, along with his father in a country so hostile to his own self. On the other hand a Dalit mother goes thorugh the implications of this unintended action. Forced to work for her living and to pay off her missing husband's debt.
The film made it evident that the lives of the down trodden lot is always subjected to the hands of political and intolerant social system.
A very straightforward story-telling brings out the victimised Hindu in Pakistan, ulike the regular victimised Muslims in India films these days. Songs by Shubha Mudgal added to the intense plot and the film talks about the plight of the humankind in general, crossing the boundaries of religious sentiments.

A must film to watch..............or you will miss something......

Coorg....Land of warriors and brave men....

Coorg during the rainy season is a sight to behold with the rivers in full flow, small colourful flowers sprouting from all possible angles. Surrounded by mountains and the awe-inspiring greenery makes you come back to this land of the brave men.

We drove down to Coorg before the dawn broke and to our surprise it was chilling cold. A group of 9, each one just could not be better and was at their wits end, made the trip all the more exciting. Broke the fast with a cutting-chai, set ourselves for Nisargadhama. We traveled trough the forests, took pictures in all backgrounds and the sight of the tree houses was just ultimate fun. Finally we arrived the most awaited waterfalls. We all love water and it didn’t even take us a minute to plunge into it.

Negotiating with the frothy swift currents, avoiding the jutting rocks we tip toed towards the other shore. It was an amazing experience and I could never believe that I will personally be able to cross the stream because of my extraordinary height. I literally had to catch hold of two of my saviors- Mano and Vijay. And only at the end they realized that through out the way I was actually standing and not sitting. Upon reaching the other side, you have another falls to please yourself with and the twitter just added to its beauty.

It was an immense sense of achievement after we reached the other side. But the very thought of coming back was again painful. But surely these experiences would inspire the hard core adventurists in us.

The night devouring the deadly corgi pork, chicken fry is something I can never forget accompanied by hard core drinks. Well to talk about what my friends would not forget was my monologue..the after effect of the ultimate drunkenness…..”Vijay, I am TUN”… the dancing,,, the music…friends…Oh..how much I want to get back to that place…

Next day to Rajaseat gave pure thrills to the ones who enjoy trekking.. I loved gazing at the houses etched on the hills and few random shots.. The toy train journey and then the grand Abbey falls…its massive.. why do we forget always that actually we are nothing and that their’s so much more we have to see, we have to do and we have to learn..

We left the same day… Puja waving at every passer by must have left a mark in every Coorgi heart…and I slowly seeped into my much awaited slumber…

Disparity in God's own country..................

My journey started almost 5 years back..when I packed my bags and landed up in Bangalore to earn a degree..still now m traveling without knowing where I am going to..and I love it this way.. each episode filled with experiences and lessons…

1st October, reached the luscious green Wayanard… but we had to cover quite a distance everytime to explore the place…herd of men everywhere welcomed us with their lustful desires which was precisely interesting. Found them focusing their cameras on us.. and I believe that is possibly the reason why they don’t bring out their better halves outdoor to avoid the stares…. Yes it potrayed their egoist and chauvinist selves to the utmost..

While we visited the tribals in the forest…their was something real interesting that I would like to share with all.. while the translations followed, we discovered that these small tribal communities do not believe in the concept of marriage.. they choose their own partners..have sex..become parents..live a life...and they are at the liberty of leaving their partners whenever they want to with their new found love… and owes no explanation to anyone… and they are happy, most upfront and yet TRIBALS..

This was an absolute contrast to what we saw in town… Disparity in God’s own country….

My first Blog -- AETTOKOTHA...can be broken in two,, AETTO-KOTHA..a bengali expression meaning "too many worrds"...all mostly lost...trying to find its way somewhere.. the courtesy of this name ofcourse goes to a friend.. my fisrt childhood crush..then a stranger.. now a friend when m approaching insanity...

yes,, i have a place to write now and share..and open to your views.. very excited..thinking where to start from.. now at work..guess have to draw the lines.. will surely come back with the other half of me...