just like that.....

i have disappointed the ultimate one and what next?? He needs to tell me.. i am hating staying among the known faces...some place else.. i do not know what is this all about?? and why m i doing this to myself over and over again...

pick me up... m still kneeling....

It is not the decision.. it is the after thought!!!

Last one month had been the most terrible roller coaster ride one can imagine. At least I did not see it coming. Now that I know what's in store at least for next couple of months, I found a good enough excuse to post

i suddenly felt very secured in life and wondered if it wasn't too early? i wanted to live in uncertainty and live the way i wished for. But wasn't I independent enough already?

i decided to resign. Medical problems clubbed with few more tit bits here and there, and now its about time to leave from here. i still think why? And fail to answer why not? Travel and living and a couple of SEX AND THE CITY episodes crated this dilemma - it is the decision or the after thought?

i think the pain of separation from anything actually brings this immense desire of preserving it. But if we do not live the pain, is it worth calling it valuable? Pretty confusing and yes it's coming from a woman's brain.

Wednesday morning, while every one was rushing towards the usual designed routine, my mind wandered. I was not even remotely attracted to him, but then i can call it nice. Not really sure if I am looking forward to it again but God bless him.

Ciao...

Confession of a Hard Nut....

The entire concept of being in a relationship sounds futile when you realize…

It was only you..
It was all what you did..
You were never trusted..
You are not relied upon..
It has been just one way..
It has just been for only one..

What happens when only one has gained? The other is not.. What do you understand out of it? Does it mean that you have just been ruthless and have only taken? What if you were not aware and thought that that’s the right way? I mean are you not even considered worth of a discussion? For god’s sake, why was he with you even after all this? Yes, he had just been giving you unconditional love and companionship, and you were assigning all the conditions..

Who is to be blamed here? Yes, have you lost your mind? I believe this is the question you keep asking your self, not knowing if their is any answer to it, ever! You finally get to know, that you have been done a great favor, a favor you can never repay back. It is unconditional love. It slowly starts creeping into your blood getting you restless and clue less. Your blood starts boiling and you do not know where to take resort to?

You let it go.

He says..
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us…..Amen".

Here comes your ghost again....

The grand opening of our new church building just could not be better. Praise God for making it a success.

In between all this, a familiar feeling keeps haunting me again and again. I anticipate every time my cell phone beeps. I have lost sleep and an intense desire keeps me awake. A desire hard to fathom. My heart incessantly keeps repeating the verses …

I cry out to the Lord to take this pain away and it just don’t seem to pass. I have been looking for a light, but it refuses to shine and may be this time again it is for real. It’s not that it is hard to comprehend but I guess it’s just a shadow overhead. At times I feel I am just stuck here and there is this strange battle that I am fighting with no one around. I don’t know if it’s just me or there is some one else who is going through it, as well. I choose not to tell or proclaim, and I have been a loner.

Words seem to fail me now, and the more I am trying to hold it, the more it’s slipping away. I love the wind, the sun, and the flowers. My room is now filled with candles red and white and is this me? I sit in a corner and gaze, and a sigh is all I have. I can’t dream and can’t wish. I can’t hold and I can’t leave.
I breathe now but I don’t live.

Ring the bells....

my mind has a mind of its own.. their is not a time when it just doesnot stop myself being happy or maybe even worry..the more you try holding it the more it slips.. a series of fortunate and not so fortunate events often change the course of action..the desire is too hard to fathom.. hope turining to hopelessness..but they say their is a silver lining at the end of each dark cloud..

i find myself not letting go of something which will never work out.. a little bit of it would probably quench my thirst.. so many faces around but none you can call your own.. the longing in his eyes while waiting for his lover to come back home, the touch of the one you have missed all along and finally resting in the arms that protects you makes it all.

i have been missing something for quite sometime now and i am still looking out for the reason..i do not know what and why? waiting and long suffering just rings the bells of Christmas, for yet another new beginning...

Cheers....

RIP

An immense desire pulled me out of bed but i dint know why or what? first time in a very long time i saw someone as fresh as ever, and beautiful. The touch was felt before and once again.. the taste still lingers.. i felt the hair to make sure that all well.. i paid extra attention and gave all the love and care i had saved since it was all gone for years..

i was fed, i was caressed,, and loved.........

i long for it still now and i know that it's gone for ever and everytime i think of it i miss it all the more.. and i have to take recourse to my dreams....

i miss my ma.....and i have her only in my dreams.. i wish she was back here with me.. its kind of wierd since i have never had this feeling before...

i pray that her soul rests in peace.............................

Relationship...defined...redefined....

Well,, relationship i definitely do not mean anything that we share in families or between siblings or even friends... A straight relationship...Boy-Girl thingy.. these days we need to define everything straight or otherwise or get ourselves all the more in the scoop..

Orkut has more of my friends pictures than mine.. well m not that good enuf,,He IS NOT MY TYPE.. are you sure??? i mean, what if it is that way? may be that's what he wants...i think he likes me.. Mmmm....He is not that into you.. remember he had called back once? i mean of course he cares...so what do u think?

we going round and round and we still want to believe in the concept of the right one and the right one runs away with your friend.. i mean what else can one do? we get comfortable with that one person and we find it hard to do without him.. we know deep in our hearts that he is not the one but we do not mind putting ourselves in his "drop out" list till the time we get to be with him.

What is it?

i wonder,,,, is it companionship, is it being loved, is it to love or is it the lust...may be all of it.. since we make a choice here consciously, i feel then we should enjoy each and every bit of it..but then again creeps in between our middle-class or the mediocre mentality.. we feel being used and still not belong anywhere..

so what is the problem? is it the guy or our mental set up.. i think the problem is the "Woman" factor,., yes we proudly say that we are the confused lot.. and thank our stars that we are not men or else we would have had to handle a woman...
feel free to share...

Regards,
Truly a woman..